


Doing It for Mulder

by Viridian5



Category: The X-Files
Genre: 'Ship Wars, Crack Fic, Humor, M/M, Meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1998-09-24
Updated: 1998-09-24
Packaged: 2017-10-02 07:27:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Viridian5/pseuds/Viridian5
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Save Mulder!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Doing It for Mulder

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for well nigh everything. Inspired by a conversation thread on the slashx e-mail list.
> 
> For those of you wondering, Mulder, Krycek, and Skinner show up in this story. Why can't we all just get along?
> 
> Looking in my Magic Mirror, I see DBKate and Kass and Te and Drovar (for "Jay" and "Pen") and Iain and Hal.... Thanks, everybody! 
> 
> A Squeakies nominee for Best Slash Comedy.

"_Minor_ characters with no backstory? How much backstory do Skinner and Krycek have?" Frohike grumbled.

"We got a whole episode to ourselves, which is more than Krycek can say. And Skinner's ep, man, what were they thinking? The big bad marine's greatest fear is an old woman in a raincoat? If I were him, I would have been happier without the 'showcase,'" Langly said.

"That's an assistant director of the FBI you're slandering, you long-haired, anti-government subversive," Spender snarled as he walked in.

"Who let you in," Frohike snarled back.

"Please! We can all be civil about this," Byers said. "I'm sure those people didn't mean anything nasty when they wrote in."

"You're talking about the character war? There's one person we can blame for all of it: Mulder. It's always Mulder, Mulder, Mulder!" Spender said.

"I think _somebody_ has Jan Brady Syndrome," Langly said.

"What are you insinuating with that?"

"Hey! We can't afford to turn on one another!" a voice shouted from the door.

"Pendrell!" the Lone Gunmen shouted, and "Pen!" Spender shouted.

"Hi, guys. Hi, Jay."

"Aren't you dead?" Langly asked.

"I'll explain later. Now you're going to find out why I called you all here." Pendrell yanked on a chain. Three hooded figures, hand-cuffed and linked together, stumbled into the room. Tom Colton nudged the last, bulkiest man forward. Pendrell whipped the hoods off them to reveal....

Mulder, Krycek, and Skinner.

"What the hell are they doing here?" Spender asked.

"I figured the people I wanted to reach would be more likely to look at this if I brought them in. I also have ulterior motives."

"Aren't you supposed to be dead, Agent Pendrell?" Walter Skinner asked in a rough voice that suggested he was having a hard time holding on to his temper.

"I got better. Actually, some really nice people wouldn't let me die, and I'm now effectively immortal."

"Cool," Langly said. "He's undead. I could get into that."

A vein in Skinner's forehead throbbed. "Then why haven't you gone back to work?"

"I'm _much_ too busy now."

Skinner took a good look at his fellow captives. "Why don't the two of you look at all surprised by his resurrection?"

A very tired looking Mulder glanced away. "Well, sir...."

Krycek grinned. "With my life, I've learned not to be surprised by anything... sir." He flexed his arms a little, rattling the cuffs and chains. "This has possibilities...."

"So why have you brought us here?" Skinner demanded.

Spender cast a nasty and meaningful look at Mulder. "Payback?"

"No, Jay, revenge doesn't accomplish anything. I'm here to make an appeal to all the people who love Mulder," Pendrell said.

"WHAT????" everyone else said.

Pendrell stood in front of Agent Mulder. "This is the hardest working man in fanfic. He does Skinner, Krycek, the Lone Gunmen, me, demons, Texan vampires, and _Elvis_, to name only a few. Then he does Scully too. A dream come true, some might think. But _years_ of that.... What would that do to a man?"

"I'm so tired," Mulder said. "Please kill me."

"So I'm putting this plea out there to those of you who care deeply about Agent Mulder: give the man a rest once in a while! He's only human! The rest of us are more than willing to take up the slack!"

"But why does everyone but me get to do Fox-Michael?" Krycek asked.

"Alex, if you don't let me finish, there won't be a later." Pendrell jangled the chains invitingly.

Krycek's eyes sparkled. "Sorry, Pooky. By all means, go ahead."

"We deserve sex lives too. Hell, I had to _die_ to get one. We're not all that repulsive."

"Well, maybe Melvin is," Langly said.

"Hey!" Frohike shouted.

"This great country of ours was formed on freedom of choice," Pendrell said as Frohike started to sing "Glory, glory, hallelujah!" while Langly hummed the tune under his breath. Skinner sighed and looked disgusted. "Isn't it better having all of us around too, just waiting for you? Give us a try; you might like us! Mulder tells me that all that typing has given the Lone Gunmen really talented hands."

Mulder turned bright red and squirmed under Skinner's glare.

"Not that I know that for myself, unfortunately," Pendrell said.

"The only reason we never invited you over is that we thought you were dead," Byers said. "Now that we know otherwise...."

"Thanks, John, I appreciate it. So, folks, choose us to give Mulder a break. I know Jay's much nicer to everyone when he's getting some."

"Pen...." Spender said.

Pendrell whispered something in his ear that made him grin, then said, "It's true. Think how much less trouble he'll make for Mulder if he's getting laid properly and often. So give us a chance! Let us take over some of Mulder's beat."

"Let us entertain you; let us make you smile," Krycek said.

"Alex...."

"Right, no cuff and chain play if I don't let you finish venting."

"Thank you for your time and consideration, everyone. I'm done."

"So what do we do now?" Byers asked.

"Well, we're all here...."

Krycek grinned. "I _knew_ it would be worth it to let myself get captured."

"This is _not_ going to happen," Skinner snarled.

Byers, ever the peacekeeper and with all honesty, said, "I wanted to tell you how much I respected you, sir. I also wanted to tell you how sexy I find men who have muscles and bald spots. All that testosterone...."

"Well...."

"I'll just watch, thanks," Mulder said as he uncuffed himself and settled down veeeeerrrrry carefully on a nearby chair. He grinned as everyone found a partner or, in some cases, partners.

Just before Spender and Krycek pulled him down, Pendrell shouted, "Goodnight, everybody! And remember, only _you_ can save Mulder!"

 

### End


End file.
